Every parent has been there.
Your child is crying, screaming, and fussing through an epic meltdown as you wave the white flag in defeat. You’ve exhausted every technique you’ve learned from all the parenting books and social media gurus, but nothing is helping. And then — in a moment of both desperation and compassion — you try something. You hug your kid.
And sometimes, that’s all it takes.
Your child begins to calm down, the volume lowers, and the entire situation deescalates. “What just happened,” you think to yourself as you exhale and enjoy what feels like a miraculous antidote to chaos. “How is a hug doing this?!”
It’s actually quite possible. Hugs are pretty powerful, and parenting hugs have superpowers! Studies have shown that hugging increases our levels of serotonin and dopamine, which are neurotransmitters in our brains associated with mood. When kids (or adults) are in a stressful situation, the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisol are released into the brain. Hugs have been shown to instantly promote the production of oxytocin, the hormone we connect to the feeling of love, which balances out the stress hormones.
So does this mean we should all go around hugging strangers every time we’re having a bad day? No, but it does help explain the science behind those moments when hugs legitimately calm down our kids.
If you think about babies, a great deal of their development revolves around human interaction. Studies have found that talking to, smiling at, and making eye contact with babies boosts their object constancy, sense of security, and even intelligence. Children who don’t receive enough physical contact may experience slowed development and growth, and physical touch is so essential to life that babies can’t even survive without adequate human contact!
In recent years, the idea of “skin to skin” contact has been promoted among moms and dads in delivery rooms to solidify many health benefits for infants, including the brain connections that help them feel safe and secure. The moments when a hug helps your child through a meltdown are very similar. That connection we developed in infancy stays with us — the hug signals to our brains that we are safe and our whole system relaxes. When your parent is the giver of the hug, there’s even more connection associated, as it helps strengthen the lifelong attachment and trust between you and your child.
Superpower, I tell ya.
My son is almost ten, and I recently realized that the power of the hug never wanes. One day a few weeks ago, he was having a moment — the root of which I honestly don’t even remember — but it was just one of those “everything is upsetting me and I can’t get anything to work the way I want and arrrgggh I am so mad” moments. He had tears and frustrated grumbles and self-doubting language. And nothing I suggested helped.
I stood there feeling truly sorry for him, and also feeling exhausted. I gently touched his arm to show him comfort and test his willingness for affection. When I saw how receptive he looked, I gave him a big, long cuddly hug. And it was amazing — he hugged back, and hugged tightly. He cried more, but in a good way — the kind of cry that let me know he was releasing all those pent-up feelings — because he felt safe. And very soon, he stopped crying, calmed down, and told me he felt better. I talked to him about how helpful it was to turn to me for support, and how he should try it in the future when he starts to feel stressed.
The next time you have an opportunity to test your hug powers, try it. While it certainly can’t fix everything, and it may not help each time, the benefits of hugging our kids should not be ignored, and it often makes a big difference in situations with no other practical solutions. Remember to test the waters first with a gentle touch, or ask if you can hug your child, since abruptly grabbing anyone who is emotionally out of control isn’t the best idea. If you can get your hug in, hold it for at least 20 seconds, since science tells us it takes this long for the connection to help our hormones and neurotransmitters. (No wonder cuddling a teddy bear at night is so popular with kids.) Keep in mind that the 20 second hug helps all of us, so you should feel better while embracing your child or another loved one too!
While kids’ tantrums may seem annoying or exaggerated to us, it’s important to remember that children are still learning how to regulate their emotions (a task that’s not easy for even us adults!) By simply hugging our kids during their most confusing, anxious moments, we’re offering symbolic support that conveys unspoken messages like “I’m here,” “You can do this,” and “I believe in you.” This support stays with them as they grow up and helps them become independent people who can manage big emotions throughout their lives.
That’s the power of a hug.
What Lara Wrote 