My son just started 5th grade. I’m actually not sure how that happened, since as far as I recall I dropped him off at Pre-K yesterday.
Every new school year presents exciting “firsts” but also poses new challenges. I, like most parents, worry about all the inevitable growing pains. I secretly wish I could keep my son little and insulate him from all the harsh realities of the world. But since I know that’s impossible, I make a conscious effort to talk to him about what to expect with every new school year. While teachers and administrators are great resources for academic learning, school doesn’t necessarily teach all the life lessons we need. And in the grand scheme of things, test scores and honor rolls are not what matter most.
As a child and family therapist, talking to kids was part of my training. Over the years, I’ve picked up professional tools in my work that have helped me immensely as a parent. (Regardless of what the self-proclaimed “experts” tell you, even the pros are winging it every day!) My biggest surprise in working with families was realizing how few parents talk to their kids. And I don’t mean “what do you want for dinner” or the old “how was school” standby. I mean, really talk to their kids. Talking to our children in an age-appropriate way about heavy but inevitable life experiences has a slew of benefits. It can strengthen their resilience, boost their emotional intelligence, protect them from harm, and even encourage them to be better members of society.
While most parents are perfectly comfortable reminding their kids to study hard, listen to their teachers, and pay attention in class, deep conversations might feel like too much too soon. But just as quickly as my son seemed to jump from Pre-K to 5th grade, kids are experiencing life without us even realizing it. There’s no time like the present to connect with them wherever they are developmentally and share some of our wisdom. After all, one of our most important jobs as parents is to teach.
There’s a world full of topics that we should talk to our kids about, but I’ve narrowed down five important lessons prompted by back-to-school time. If any of these topics aren’t in your bag of tricks, be sure to add them — and pass them on!
1. Do something every day for someone who needs it.
This is a great general rule and it can apply to any age. Explain to your kids that this could mean many things by giving various examples based on their age. It could mean holding the door for a teacher or helping a friend whose pencil case spilled all over the ground. It could also mean noticing a peer who needs a friend and inviting them to sit with you at lunch. Tailor this one to something specific you want to see your child do more (for my son, I always encourage him to include others at the lunch table or at recess.) When we remind our kids to “do something every day for someone who needs it,” we’re preaching more than just “be kind.” We’re encouraging them to keep their eyes open and be sensitive to others instead of focusing selfishly on our own wants. Maybe inviting a lonely classmate to sit with him at lunch isn’t at the top of my son’s “wants” list, but the more he does it the more he is developing empathy. And kids have no idea what a difference that small gesture could make for certain people.
2. Don’t rush through childhood.
Raise your hand if you dream of going back to the carefree days of being a kid. (No bills, less worries, recess during my “job?” Give me a time machine!) Once you become a parent, you quickly learn how easy you had it when you were a kid. So every time I see kids in such a rush to grow up, I want to pull them over and give them a speeding ticket. Childhood is precious and so fleeting. Preserving their youth, innocence, and wonder has to be priority for us parents. As old-lady-cliche as it may sound, I remind my son to enjoy being a kid every chance I get. While I don’t sour him to the harsh realities of adulthood, I let him know that this is a precious time in his life. If he’s complaining about school or other pressures of his age, I certainly validate those feelings, but help him see the positives of this age as well. A common mistake we all make in life is not appreciating what we have at the moment. It’s part of our job as parents to remind our kids to slow down and savor where they are — a life lesson that will help them at every age.
3. Respect boundaries and make sure other people respect yours.
Teaching kids about boundaries is a crucial lesson that can keep them safe from harm throughout their lives. And now is the perfect time to bring it up, since being in school can present plenty of potential boundary issues.
When kids are toddlers, they have no problem saying “no,” but somewhere along the way children lose that unapologetic confidence. One boundaries lesson is to remind your kids — both little and big — that no means no. If something makes them uncomfortable or if they’re feeling pressured, nothing can sway them if they believe in the power of their “no.” Don’t forget to also teach them that a “no” from other people is a boundary they should always respect. Conversations about boundaries and accepting “no” will build your kids’ self-esteem and help them resist the peer pressure to do everything from playing a game they don’t like to experimenting with drugs.
Conversations about boundaries also teach kids about body autonomy — a crucial lesson every parent should cover. “Keep your hands to yourself” is usually the earliest foundation of body boundaries, but it’s important for us to continue the conversation as our kids get older. What starts out as a reminder not to hit a classmate in preschool should lead to honest discussions with tweens about more serious body boundaries. Teach your kids what consent means. Remind them that it’s not okay for others to touch their body without their consent, and it’s not okay for them to touch others’ bodies without permission either.
Be sure to be clear and use examples (I’ve known people who failed to explain this to their kids carefully, and an innocent game of tag landed them in the principal’s office.) Just remember to speak clearly and thoroughly when discussing serious matters with your kids. Sadly there are adults (and kids) in schools who may not be safe people, and it’s important to remind your children that no one should ever touch their private parts (the parts a bathing suit covers) without their consent. Most importantly, remind them that if something like that ever happens to them, they should immediately tell you (and the nearest trusted adult if you are not present.) Assure them that you will never be upset with them and you will believe what they tell you.
4. Be mindful of personal safety.
Let’s address the elephant in the room. Violence and shootings at school are a huge fear for most parents. While schools generally do everything they can to prevent these nightmares, they can only do so much. My son often tells me about the shelter-in-place and lockdown drills his school conducts, but he explains them as very vague and not much different than a fire drill. The truth is, schools keep these drills intentionally vague as not to scare children. It’s up to us parents to fill in the blanks in an age-appropriate way. After seeing the hysteria a classmate caused my son’s first grade class when her parents let her watch (and spread) the news about a shooting 2,000 miles away, I wished more parents realized that the key word in serious conversations is age-appropriate!
Now that my son is older, I talk to him about violence. Not just at school, but anywhere. I don’t give him gory details (again, age-appropriate) but I don’t sugarcoat it either. I remind him that violence can occur anywhere, and it’s important to always stay aware of your surroundings and your personal safety. We recently witnessed a car-jacking… in a suburb… in broad daylight… in front of an ice cream shop. Things can happen anywhere. So I tell him to be aware of that and make the safest decisions he can in the moment. In that instance, I put my son right in the car and we got away from the violence (before I called the police.)
I use that as an example when I remind him that, sadly, violence can enter his school walls too. I tell him that if he ever witnesses violence to get away and tell someone immediately. And if he ever hears gunshots, to duck and shelter in the safest place he can. If the worst thing that happens is he is wrong about the sound, at least he will be safe. As frightening as these subjects may seem, it’s not responsible of us as parents to omit personal safety lessons from our back-to-school teachings.
5. If you see something, say something.
This is probably my biggest one. The lesson that I drill into my child and passionately believe needs to be taught by every parent and every school administrator.
We teach our kids to be good friends and play nice with other kids, but we don’t tell them to pay attention when a peer seems “off.” In my line of work, I’ve sadly seen a lot young people struggling with severe mental health issues. I’m proud to say that I’ve helped countless teens work through anxiety and depression, and also saved many from suicide attempts and violence. I know how real the pain is for many young people. And I get chills thinking about all those who could have been saved had someone spoken up about their mental health before they made headlines.
While mental health awareness has increased in recent years, it’s still not taught or addressed nearly enough in schools. In my professional and personal opinion, it should be thoroughly covered as part of every school’s health curriculum. But since it isn’t, this is where parents need to fill in the gap.
Please, please, please: talk to your kids about mental health! Start by teaching young children about the various emotions they and others can feel. (This will build self-awareness and empathy from early on.) Remind children of all ages to “look out for their friends’ feelings” and tell a teacher if they’re concerned for them. Assure them that it’s confidential. As they get older, openly discuss depression with them and remind them to pay attention for warning signs of self-harm or violence. Teach them that telling a trusted adult about what they see or hear could save lives. Whether or not anything happens, it’s a worthy habit to establish for your child that could prevent serious incidents if more people practiced it.
When my son was only in the second grade, a child said something a bit disturbing to him that, when my son shared it with me, sounded very much like depression. I insisted that he tell his teacher so she could look out for the boy. Since my son’s report was anonymous, we naturally don’t know what happened after that. But I slept easier knowing we passed along important information — and that I was teaching my son to look out for others’ mental health at just eight years old.
In my work and my personal life, I’ve always found it remarkable how resilient kids become from having parents who communicate openly with them. Sometimes we assume our kids already know what we’re thinking, but stating things directly and honestly is a crucial part of parenting. I truly believe that if more parents would teach their children about these important topics, we’d see a decrease in things like violence, abuse, and untreated mental illness and an increase in kids’ self-esteem and empathy. Having conversations like these will also help foster a more open and trusting relationship between you and your child, which will ultimately help them make healthy decisions for themselves.
What Lara Wrote 